Ever prayed for something just odd?
I don't do it often, probably not often enough actually.
A few months ago, I started praying about my shoes. I have this pair of shoes I just "had to have" when I was 14. They cost well over $100 at the time. Now I don't wear them, mostly because they weigh way too much to literally "tote" around campus--about 10 pounds total.
I started praying that God would give me something to do with these shoes. I know I shouldn't own them anymore. But I also wasn't satisfied just sending them off with the collection box--I wanted to believe....for once, that if I asked, God would show up.....and give me something to do with these shoes.
I was at first thinking along the lines of the relational tithe....I'd meet someone who really needed shoes....and instead of throwing off my cheapest shoes, well I'd pick the most expensive pair I've ever owned. Maybe this was a bit extreme. I remember an instance in Bangkok where a young boy's flip flops broke......I felt overwhelmed to offer him my own shoes. He declined....but for a second, I had to panic......my only pair of sandals for the summer.....well, gone. Not really that crazy.
But then the other day the campus crusade people started talking about doing a Badmitton tournament. I couldn't go--I'll be out of town. But the fundraiser is "Shoes for Souls"--some kind of ministry, somewhere. Probably like Williamsburg Community Chapel's collection of eye glasses.
Regardless........here's my chance, goodbye Doc Martens.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Vegetarianism: some thoughts
Wendell Berry, a Christian ethicist and Kentucky farmer writes often on the industrial economy and Christian's responsibility to the earth.
He remarks city people often ask him "what city people can do?"
He answers.... [quotation from here forward]
"Eat responsibilty," I have usually answered. Of course, I have tried to explain what I meant by that, but afterwards I have invariably felt that there were more to be said that I had been able to say. Now I would like to attempt a better explanation.
I begin with the proposition that eating is an agricultural act. Eating ends the annual drama of the food economy that begins with planting and birth. Most eaters, however, are no longer aware that this is true. They think of food as an agricultural product, perhaps, but they do not think of themselves as "consumers." If they think beyond that, they recognize that they are passive consumers. They buy what they want--or what they have been persuaded to want--within the limits of what they can get.
Most urban shoppers would tell you that food is produced on farms. But most of them do not know what farms, or what kinds of farms, or where farms are, or what knowledge or skills are involved in farming.
The specialization of production induces specialization of consumption. Patrons of the entertainment industry, for example, entertain themselves less and less and have become more and more passively dependent on commerical suppliers. This is certainly true also of patrons of the food industry, who have tended more and more to be mere consumers--passive, uncritical, and dependent. Indeed, this sort of consumption may be said to be one of the chief goals of industrial production.
The trap is the ideal of industrialism: a walled city surrounded by valves that let merchandise in but no consciousness out. How does one escape this trap? Only voluntarily, the same way that one went in: by resorting one's conscioueness of what is involved in eating; by reclaiming responsibility for one's own part in the food economy. Eaters, that is, must understand that eating takes place inescapably in the world, that is inescapably an agricultural act, and that how we eat determins, to a considerable extend, how the world is used.
[end quote]
He remarks city people often ask him "what city people can do?"
He answers.... [quotation from here forward]
"Eat responsibilty," I have usually answered. Of course, I have tried to explain what I meant by that, but afterwards I have invariably felt that there were more to be said that I had been able to say. Now I would like to attempt a better explanation.
I begin with the proposition that eating is an agricultural act. Eating ends the annual drama of the food economy that begins with planting and birth. Most eaters, however, are no longer aware that this is true. They think of food as an agricultural product, perhaps, but they do not think of themselves as "consumers." If they think beyond that, they recognize that they are passive consumers. They buy what they want--or what they have been persuaded to want--within the limits of what they can get.
Most urban shoppers would tell you that food is produced on farms. But most of them do not know what farms, or what kinds of farms, or where farms are, or what knowledge or skills are involved in farming.
The specialization of production induces specialization of consumption. Patrons of the entertainment industry, for example, entertain themselves less and less and have become more and more passively dependent on commerical suppliers. This is certainly true also of patrons of the food industry, who have tended more and more to be mere consumers--passive, uncritical, and dependent. Indeed, this sort of consumption may be said to be one of the chief goals of industrial production.
The trap is the ideal of industrialism: a walled city surrounded by valves that let merchandise in but no consciousness out. How does one escape this trap? Only voluntarily, the same way that one went in: by resorting one's conscioueness of what is involved in eating; by reclaiming responsibility for one's own part in the food economy. Eaters, that is, must understand that eating takes place inescapably in the world, that is inescapably an agricultural act, and that how we eat determins, to a considerable extend, how the world is used.
[end quote]
Cruising USA?
For spring break I took a cruise with 11 of my friends to the Bahamas.
We had a good time, getting to hang out on the beach, eat tons of food (there's 3-4 course meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner....plus ice cream/pizza 24 hours a day), and lay around....and for me, read tons. It was a good option for togetherness that didn't require a lot of planning or extra effort.
Cruises are oddities for many reasons. In some ways its like getting Las Vegas or Atlantic City stuck on a boat, casinos, alcohol, and tons of food all at your finger tips....ohh and all the crazy shows. The 80s show, the best. There was sushi, ice cream, oatmeal, cake, fruit, and pizza all the time.
The crew on the cruise comes from all over the world--so say their name tags. Sometimes we wondered if there was a correlation between what kinds of jobs people on the cruise had and their nationalities. I wondered about the ethics of their labor practices, people living on a boat for several months at a time, something to investigate. We wondered about what they thought of us---indulgent, glutenous Americans, all "being served" by them....to our heart's desires, ordering sometimes 5 and 6 things at breakfast or dinner. Did they think we were all greedy, soon to be fat people? I think it'd be a hard job. And that's just the service jobs. Those of the people in the entertainment parts of the ship---it'd be hard to act that happy all the time. However, the crazed karyokee girl seemed to enjoy her life making a spectacle of herself fairly well.
It was an interesting experience for many reasons, and for the sake of sounding/knowing I'm a horrible snob, I won't divulge too far into that train of thought.
But don't get me wrong, it was a great vacation experience--just led me to consider the system at work as well.
We had a good time, getting to hang out on the beach, eat tons of food (there's 3-4 course meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner....plus ice cream/pizza 24 hours a day), and lay around....and for me, read tons. It was a good option for togetherness that didn't require a lot of planning or extra effort.
Cruises are oddities for many reasons. In some ways its like getting Las Vegas or Atlantic City stuck on a boat, casinos, alcohol, and tons of food all at your finger tips....ohh and all the crazy shows. The 80s show, the best. There was sushi, ice cream, oatmeal, cake, fruit, and pizza all the time.
The crew on the cruise comes from all over the world--so say their name tags. Sometimes we wondered if there was a correlation between what kinds of jobs people on the cruise had and their nationalities. I wondered about the ethics of their labor practices, people living on a boat for several months at a time, something to investigate. We wondered about what they thought of us---indulgent, glutenous Americans, all "being served" by them....to our heart's desires, ordering sometimes 5 and 6 things at breakfast or dinner. Did they think we were all greedy, soon to be fat people? I think it'd be a hard job. And that's just the service jobs. Those of the people in the entertainment parts of the ship---it'd be hard to act that happy all the time. However, the crazed karyokee girl seemed to enjoy her life making a spectacle of herself fairly well.
It was an interesting experience for many reasons, and for the sake of sounding/knowing I'm a horrible snob, I won't divulge too far into that train of thought.
But don't get me wrong, it was a great vacation experience--just led me to consider the system at work as well.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Fear and the Future
One of my good friends recently told me that fear is rooted in selfishness. The more I consider this, the more I agree. Often its a selfishness that says I think where I am and what I'm doing is better than what God has for my future. And that's selfish....and just plain stupid too.
This was part of thinking about how to face the future as an adventure, a next step and not a reason or an excuse to look back with regret or weepy eyes.
What if I faced every day of my future like my road trip this summer....excited to meet new people, and not letting who I've "left behind" fill my mind and keep me from enjoying life and new experiences.
However, there's a flip side to all of this. I recognize that this kind of mentality leaves us very very good at being where we are, with people around us. Is this the way things are supposed to be? Is that how God intended for us, to fill up the relationships around us?
But then Jesus had friends he saw and then thought of while he was gone (Lazarus)...and Paul, well he wrote to people often....I guess from prison. And of course, different times.
But really, now how in this modern world with all the conveniences of communication, are we supposed to face relationships? keep up with friends? How many of us have over 600 facebook friends.....and that's just poeple who are our own age.....
what do you do with that? How do you maintain relationships? Do you pick....say 10 and hope those are the ones that work......or create a rotating "call list"......I don't know.
I like to be where I am.....but there are people who are near and dear to me who are not constantly in front of my face, I've learned to communicate long-distance with my family well....but friends, I've been pretty awful. hmmm
This was part of thinking about how to face the future as an adventure, a next step and not a reason or an excuse to look back with regret or weepy eyes.
What if I faced every day of my future like my road trip this summer....excited to meet new people, and not letting who I've "left behind" fill my mind and keep me from enjoying life and new experiences.
However, there's a flip side to all of this. I recognize that this kind of mentality leaves us very very good at being where we are, with people around us. Is this the way things are supposed to be? Is that how God intended for us, to fill up the relationships around us?
But then Jesus had friends he saw and then thought of while he was gone (Lazarus)...and Paul, well he wrote to people often....I guess from prison. And of course, different times.
But really, now how in this modern world with all the conveniences of communication, are we supposed to face relationships? keep up with friends? How many of us have over 600 facebook friends.....and that's just poeple who are our own age.....
what do you do with that? How do you maintain relationships? Do you pick....say 10 and hope those are the ones that work......or create a rotating "call list"......I don't know.
I like to be where I am.....but there are people who are near and dear to me who are not constantly in front of my face, I've learned to communicate long-distance with my family well....but friends, I've been pretty awful. hmmm
Monday, February 19, 2007
Dreams are nothing next to standing in Awe
For in a multitude of dreams there is futility and worthlessness, and ruin in a flood of words. But reverently fear God revere and worship Him, knowing that He is.
-Ecclesiasties 5:7
-Ecclesiasties 5:7
2/19/2007: Fighting for the Win?
Sometimes I wonder how Christians can ever justify a political "fight" or stance. It seems contrary to the nature of Christians to be crusading or promoting for any cause of any kind.
I fear, being someone easily excited about politics and debate, that I can begin purusing the win, over pursuing God or something of his greater character.
I think the greatest danger in pursuing the win has to do with the inevitable beating-the other side portion of winning. To win, someone must lose. It is disheartening to see people starting to mark up tallies, deciding who's coming up "better" than the other, or who holds the upper hand. When we focus on beating someone else, for whatever reason, we cease to love them. We cease to see them as children of God, only as another pawn in a cause.
We see people plotting other's demise, Christian people plotting the demise of other Christians (is the hand revolting on the foot, cutting its own disordered body apart). It hurts. I'm not proposing that Jesus was always a pacifist, though, maybe he was--just not in a lie-down-and-get-hurt kind of way.
pray for unity of the body.
I fear, being someone easily excited about politics and debate, that I can begin purusing the win, over pursuing God or something of his greater character.
I think the greatest danger in pursuing the win has to do with the inevitable beating-the other side portion of winning. To win, someone must lose. It is disheartening to see people starting to mark up tallies, deciding who's coming up "better" than the other, or who holds the upper hand. When we focus on beating someone else, for whatever reason, we cease to love them. We cease to see them as children of God, only as another pawn in a cause.
We see people plotting other's demise, Christian people plotting the demise of other Christians (is the hand revolting on the foot, cutting its own disordered body apart). It hurts. I'm not proposing that Jesus was always a pacifist, though, maybe he was--just not in a lie-down-and-get-hurt kind of way.
pray for unity of the body.
2/17/2007: Morning Stillness
Something beautiful I’ve started practicing this year, having my own kitchen and apartment, I enjoy long mornings sitting by myself, doing devotions and enjoying the quiet of the morning. I’m not normally someone who likes spending time by myself, but this morning time has become precious to me. It’s nice to live as those this is my home, able to eat and read the Bible in the morning in pajamas, relaxing into the day instead of having to rush to take a shower first thing as I’ve done every other year in college.
I guess its just one of those parts of learning what you like in life and who you want to become.
I guess its just one of those parts of learning what you like in life and who you want to become.
2/16/07: Back on that Train....
I love the freedom of public transportation, the freedom to spend the time doing something else or enjoying watching the world and scenery go by—instead of driving and needing to concentrate. Of course, it leads to contemplation. And thanks to Amtrak, there are plugs for computers—so a place to catalogue thoughts. I head to Washington, DC again. This time for the “real thing” interview. We’ll see. Another one of those things I’m a bit apprehensive to discuss and divulge into in front of an internet audience (what of 1, 2….haha who knows?).
My perfect vision of a partying, freeing second semester senior year has yet to take root. This is starting to concern me a bit. Last weekend I took the LSAT, of course that was a lot of time and preparation. Then after that it was time take care of everything I hadn’t done instead of the LSAT—honors thesis, namely and a midterm and lecture to read for.
But of course, the life of all other organizations rolls on as well—this coming week after 3 days out of town, I come back to a long evening showing Invisible Children, a Honors Presentation in front of my advisors and friends, and culminating in Mortar Board’s selection evening (I hear to expect to stay for 5 hours….wow). Well at least my academic work isn’t taking up too much of my time. Of course, minus that measly thesis….
Well there’s the laundry list of life. The emotions and real stuff of life leaves me holding the hard emotions at arm’s length. I feel like my closest relationships are really starting to make sense and come to the point of honesty and love I’ve looked for all my life—roommates, other close friends….and its some sick joke that I’ll be so far from these people in 3 month’s time. I don’t have the emotional strength to start withdrawing now, which is good.
Its so hard to remember that God has timing for everything. There’s a time for me to become really close to my roommate this semester—after we’ve known each other for 3.5 other years…..and that’s ok. That’s hard for me to grasp. I want to believe that we should’ve gotten it together a long time ago—but to realize maybe this was God’s timing for our lives. That’s hard to comprehend. And sometimes hurts, why do I get her this close for a year—and not, well 10 or 20? Why does she have to move West? Just to take one example.
And not to even mention, the 3 or 4 close friends of mine who are abroad/living away this semester. Why now? What will happen in the future.
I think I have such a hard time believing that I will find and experience these good of friendships ever again in the future, that God has a plan for new sets of inspiring, loving, supportive people for the rest of my life. That’s hard to believe in the moment when I love these people and would be perfectly content taking them with me for the rest of my lives.
But, to discount how thankful I should feel for all the love and support in my life---well that’d just be silly. God is good. I am so thankful for the relationships in my life—but also for the new relationships coming up even this semester. I’ve gotten to know this lovely freshman girl who lights up my life.
My perfect vision of a partying, freeing second semester senior year has yet to take root. This is starting to concern me a bit. Last weekend I took the LSAT, of course that was a lot of time and preparation. Then after that it was time take care of everything I hadn’t done instead of the LSAT—honors thesis, namely and a midterm and lecture to read for.
But of course, the life of all other organizations rolls on as well—this coming week after 3 days out of town, I come back to a long evening showing Invisible Children, a Honors Presentation in front of my advisors and friends, and culminating in Mortar Board’s selection evening (I hear to expect to stay for 5 hours….wow). Well at least my academic work isn’t taking up too much of my time. Of course, minus that measly thesis….
Well there’s the laundry list of life. The emotions and real stuff of life leaves me holding the hard emotions at arm’s length. I feel like my closest relationships are really starting to make sense and come to the point of honesty and love I’ve looked for all my life—roommates, other close friends….and its some sick joke that I’ll be so far from these people in 3 month’s time. I don’t have the emotional strength to start withdrawing now, which is good.
Its so hard to remember that God has timing for everything. There’s a time for me to become really close to my roommate this semester—after we’ve known each other for 3.5 other years…..and that’s ok. That’s hard for me to grasp. I want to believe that we should’ve gotten it together a long time ago—but to realize maybe this was God’s timing for our lives. That’s hard to comprehend. And sometimes hurts, why do I get her this close for a year—and not, well 10 or 20? Why does she have to move West? Just to take one example.
And not to even mention, the 3 or 4 close friends of mine who are abroad/living away this semester. Why now? What will happen in the future.
I think I have such a hard time believing that I will find and experience these good of friendships ever again in the future, that God has a plan for new sets of inspiring, loving, supportive people for the rest of my life. That’s hard to believe in the moment when I love these people and would be perfectly content taking them with me for the rest of my lives.
But, to discount how thankful I should feel for all the love and support in my life---well that’d just be silly. God is good. I am so thankful for the relationships in my life—but also for the new relationships coming up even this semester. I’ve gotten to know this lovely freshman girl who lights up my life.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
LSAT over!
Took my first official LSAT Saturday, thank the Lord its over. Could be much ado about nothing...but really, who knows?
When it comes to law school, UTexas and Rutgers somehow are the only ones that come to mind....interesting combination....and I might have a chance of getting in too!
Well, let it be known this is not the immediate plan for my life though.
Other life highlights....
--Some more cross-related action going on with the BOV on campus and some zealous activists on either side....can't really talk about that here, but its become a big part of my life
--attempting to get back into writing this thesis again after several more weeks of neglect
--attending Peace Hill, liking getting to know all kinds of people there--and seeing great people like Allison back in town!
--Great dinner with 2 girls interested in New Monasticism--one I've known since a freshman seminar on God and the Protest Novel...and another kindred spirit who transfered last year....we had our last 2 good talks before this in dorm kitchens....funny that.
Life is good, senior year is much busier than I ever expected....or really wanted it to be. Hopefully after this weekend's interview (IV in DC)...I can settle down a little and chill out more. However, looking back, I've definitely had more crazy semesters than this.
When it comes to law school, UTexas and Rutgers somehow are the only ones that come to mind....interesting combination....and I might have a chance of getting in too!
Well, let it be known this is not the immediate plan for my life though.
Other life highlights....
--Some more cross-related action going on with the BOV on campus and some zealous activists on either side....can't really talk about that here, but its become a big part of my life
--attempting to get back into writing this thesis again after several more weeks of neglect
--attending Peace Hill, liking getting to know all kinds of people there--and seeing great people like Allison back in town!
--Great dinner with 2 girls interested in New Monasticism--one I've known since a freshman seminar on God and the Protest Novel...and another kindred spirit who transfered last year....we had our last 2 good talks before this in dorm kitchens....funny that.
Life is good, senior year is much busier than I ever expected....or really wanted it to be. Hopefully after this weekend's interview (IV in DC)...I can settle down a little and chill out more. However, looking back, I've definitely had more crazy semesters than this.
LSAT over!
Took my first official LSAT Saturday, thank the Lord its over. Could be much ado about nothing...but really, who knows?
When it comes to law school, UTexas and Rutgers somehow are the only ones that come to mind....interesting combination....and I might have a chance of getting in too!
Well, let it be known this is not the immediate plan for my life though.
Other life highlights....
--Some more cross-related action going on with the BOV on campus and some zealous activists on either side....can't really talk about that here, but its become a big part of my life
--attempting to get back into writing this thesis again after several more weeks of neglect
--attending Peace Hill, liking getting to know all kinds of people there--and seeing great people like Allison back in town!
--Great dinner with 2 girls interested in New Monasticism--one I've known since a freshman seminar on God and the Protest Novel...and another kindred spirit who transfered last year....we had our last 2 good talks before this in dorm kitchens....funny that.
Life is good, senior year is much busier than I ever expected....or really wanted it to be. Hopefully after this weekend's interview (IV in DC)...I can settle down a little and chill out more. However, looking back, I've definitely had more crazy semesters than this.
When it comes to law school, UTexas and Rutgers somehow are the only ones that come to mind....interesting combination....and I might have a chance of getting in too!
Well, let it be known this is not the immediate plan for my life though.
Other life highlights....
--Some more cross-related action going on with the BOV on campus and some zealous activists on either side....can't really talk about that here, but its become a big part of my life
--attempting to get back into writing this thesis again after several more weeks of neglect
--attending Peace Hill, liking getting to know all kinds of people there--and seeing great people like Allison back in town!
--Great dinner with 2 girls interested in New Monasticism--one I've known since a freshman seminar on God and the Protest Novel...and another kindred spirit who transfered last year....we had our last 2 good talks before this in dorm kitchens....funny that.
Life is good, senior year is much busier than I ever expected....or really wanted it to be. Hopefully after this weekend's interview (IV in DC)...I can settle down a little and chill out more. However, looking back, I've definitely had more crazy semesters than this.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I am Growing....
Sometimes its amazing to just sit back and consider the person we've become.
To consider what we've learned about life, love, and relating to those around us. I'm amazed by God's ability to emotionally mature us, baby step after baby step.
I am so blessed. My life is so full and there are so many amazing people with amazing talents and love in it. Thank you Jesus!
To consider what we've learned about life, love, and relating to those around us. I'm amazed by God's ability to emotionally mature us, baby step after baby step.
I am so blessed. My life is so full and there are so many amazing people with amazing talents and love in it. Thank you Jesus!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
A New Class
So this Monday, in the spirit of trying to take only 12 credits this semester, I decided I would try out another 1-credit course. My goal originally was to get 3 1credit classes....and that would take the place of a regular 3-hr class.
So I have percussion ensemble, pilates/conditioning, America in the World--a seminar class that meets 4 times, and now Performance Art Ensemble. So yes, that's actually 4 1-credit courses. I want to get rid of one--but the one I want to be rid of--well its the one I should probably stay in the most.
I went to Performance Art Ensemble Monday night from 7 to 9:30pm, expecting to get some pointers on how to be a better musician--even getting to work with dancers, etc...but all in the context of me behind my marimba.....and without having to really do much more work. The goal here was to score some for-sure practice time for my upcoming solo performance later this spring.
However, this is not what I encountered. This class has about 20 people in it, who for one, all appear to be friends with one another--but also are very artsy-performing types. This I am not, I am a shy and reserved---well largely inhibited person. Normally this doesn't embarass me--I don't dance much, I don't make loud displays of myself. And I consider this to be my personality. And to be ok.
So here's what we had to do--first, everyone says why they're in the class. Some people are there because of music,....well me and like 1 other person, but most are there because of general art interests in certain movements, etc. I tell them now that i am shy--just to get my comment out there for my own benefit at least. Next, we need to get into partners and do something that's relatively easy that will shock people, this....well not so easy for me. I don't think on my feet. So my partner drops his pants, exposing his boxers....shocking. I sit and well do nothing. It didn't differ too much from the other displays.
The most intense part of the class we worked individually--and had to consider something that we did not like to talk about, made us uncomfortable or we didn't like. And then we had to get up and talk about it nonstop for 1 minute. This was very interesting--we had confessions of love affairs, people confronting others in the class, talk about poo, orgasms, and myself talking about why I was afraid of taking this class. That it made me embarassed that I couldn't just be free and let go and do stupid things---and its one of the things I least like to talk about--who wants to admit that they're not laid back and cool?
But what about when I'm thrown into a situation that causes me to have to reconsider that part of myself--maybe I need to learn to be able to let it loose sometimes, act and be silly a little---and in the context of performance, being vulnerable to criticism....instead of just around friends as I would usually consider myself to be silly or uninhibited.
This class began to represent much of what I have spent my past 3.5 years being validated at NOT being...I am organized, scheduled, precise, opinionated--and well, put together. I have succeeded at doing the right things, at the right times....and climbing the social and otherwise campus ladder in other ways. But this was all called into question--the fact that I have an excell spreadsheet of my life---well, that will not make me a more successful student in this class. I'd venture ot say I'm the only one in there who walks around with such a thing.
SO I'm not completely sold--in some ways it feels like a waste of time, like an immature use of 2.5 hours....but I know that it will challenge me deeply to sit through this weekly....and stand up and put myself out there, attempt to act, or speak or sing......it will be hard. So maybe I should take it......even if it does require me to be in 13 credits instead of 12.
So I have percussion ensemble, pilates/conditioning, America in the World--a seminar class that meets 4 times, and now Performance Art Ensemble. So yes, that's actually 4 1-credit courses. I want to get rid of one--but the one I want to be rid of--well its the one I should probably stay in the most.
I went to Performance Art Ensemble Monday night from 7 to 9:30pm, expecting to get some pointers on how to be a better musician--even getting to work with dancers, etc...but all in the context of me behind my marimba.....and without having to really do much more work. The goal here was to score some for-sure practice time for my upcoming solo performance later this spring.
However, this is not what I encountered. This class has about 20 people in it, who for one, all appear to be friends with one another--but also are very artsy-performing types. This I am not, I am a shy and reserved---well largely inhibited person. Normally this doesn't embarass me--I don't dance much, I don't make loud displays of myself. And I consider this to be my personality. And to be ok.
So here's what we had to do--first, everyone says why they're in the class. Some people are there because of music,....well me and like 1 other person, but most are there because of general art interests in certain movements, etc. I tell them now that i am shy--just to get my comment out there for my own benefit at least. Next, we need to get into partners and do something that's relatively easy that will shock people, this....well not so easy for me. I don't think on my feet. So my partner drops his pants, exposing his boxers....shocking. I sit and well do nothing. It didn't differ too much from the other displays.
The most intense part of the class we worked individually--and had to consider something that we did not like to talk about, made us uncomfortable or we didn't like. And then we had to get up and talk about it nonstop for 1 minute. This was very interesting--we had confessions of love affairs, people confronting others in the class, talk about poo, orgasms, and myself talking about why I was afraid of taking this class. That it made me embarassed that I couldn't just be free and let go and do stupid things---and its one of the things I least like to talk about--who wants to admit that they're not laid back and cool?
But what about when I'm thrown into a situation that causes me to have to reconsider that part of myself--maybe I need to learn to be able to let it loose sometimes, act and be silly a little---and in the context of performance, being vulnerable to criticism....instead of just around friends as I would usually consider myself to be silly or uninhibited.
This class began to represent much of what I have spent my past 3.5 years being validated at NOT being...I am organized, scheduled, precise, opinionated--and well, put together. I have succeeded at doing the right things, at the right times....and climbing the social and otherwise campus ladder in other ways. But this was all called into question--the fact that I have an excell spreadsheet of my life---well, that will not make me a more successful student in this class. I'd venture ot say I'm the only one in there who walks around with such a thing.
SO I'm not completely sold--in some ways it feels like a waste of time, like an immature use of 2.5 hours....but I know that it will challenge me deeply to sit through this weekly....and stand up and put myself out there, attempt to act, or speak or sing......it will be hard. So maybe I should take it......even if it does require me to be in 13 credits instead of 12.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Back at school
Gosh this keeping up with this blog thing is harder than I thought it'd be.
Well school has started.
I can't decide for the life of me what classes to take....to be honest, I'm currently signed up for 20 hours...I need to keep 12. That's just sad. I am feeling very indecisive. Maybe its that senior feeling that I need to make the most of all of my opportunities while I'm still an undergraduate.
Oh boy, how nostaligic I'm already beginning to sound.
----
Well recently I've also had a sort of "freak out" point on my major. Feeling maybe....in lieu of the LSAT that, considering my career goals (as if I know what they are), maybe I choose the wrong major. ). I really do believe in no regrets though....so I guess I'm more considering whether I'm going in the right direction for further studies.
An excerpt from that discussion....
I've come to realize I am not very good at the LSAT, or for now about 1/2 of it. Some have said this kind of training came through philosophy classes or something like that. --And of course it brings the subsequent jokes from friends of mine who are preparing for the exam with me and consistently making 10-15 points higher than I am, that I have chosen a "fluff" major and that my "knowledge" is not really "knowledge" at all.
This lead me to questioning the "value" of my sociology training.
But in terms of the "value" of a sociology education...
Do people often question sociology because it studies current life often, and leaves students examining their daily practices. I tend to think of sociology more as a way of rethinking what we already "know"--less of craming information as other disciplines might be.
Of course, sociology though has lead me to check out tons of books over breaks, read lots of case studies which give me a chance to get more "concrete" realistic type knowledge. But if we're just learning how to think...and I'd say the greatest lessons I've learned from William and Mary in sociology are critical thinking skills...does that make us "less" than the other disciplines?
I'm walking away from college with a lot less knowledge on specific social policy or laws or history than I believed I would...but I think I'm going to also have a different lens to encounter what I will in the future. It came up last year when I was applying for that Truman scholarship as well, realizing that I didn't have much to offer to a public policy perspective. I couldn't quote charity giving by Americans or propose a sound policy idea. And I wonder if other disciplines offer some kind of "training" that leads other people to feel confident doing that.
------
is it a midlife crisis?
or maybe just test anxiety to an extreme.........
or just senior year regrets or 2nd thoughts...........
hmmm
Well school has started.
I can't decide for the life of me what classes to take....to be honest, I'm currently signed up for 20 hours...I need to keep 12. That's just sad. I am feeling very indecisive. Maybe its that senior feeling that I need to make the most of all of my opportunities while I'm still an undergraduate.
Oh boy, how nostaligic I'm already beginning to sound.
----
Well recently I've also had a sort of "freak out" point on my major. Feeling maybe....in lieu of the LSAT that, considering my career goals (as if I know what they are), maybe I choose the wrong major. ). I really do believe in no regrets though....so I guess I'm more considering whether I'm going in the right direction for further studies.
An excerpt from that discussion....
I've come to realize I am not very good at the LSAT, or for now about 1/2 of it. Some have said this kind of training came through philosophy classes or something like that. --And of course it brings the subsequent jokes from friends of mine who are preparing for the exam with me and consistently making 10-15 points higher than I am, that I have chosen a "fluff" major and that my "knowledge" is not really "knowledge" at all.
This lead me to questioning the "value" of my sociology training.
But in terms of the "value" of a sociology education...
Do people often question sociology because it studies current life often, and leaves students examining their daily practices. I tend to think of sociology more as a way of rethinking what we already "know"--less of craming information as other disciplines might be.
Of course, sociology though has lead me to check out tons of books over breaks, read lots of case studies which give me a chance to get more "concrete" realistic type knowledge. But if we're just learning how to think...and I'd say the greatest lessons I've learned from William and Mary in sociology are critical thinking skills...does that make us "less" than the other disciplines?
I'm walking away from college with a lot less knowledge on specific social policy or laws or history than I believed I would...but I think I'm going to also have a different lens to encounter what I will in the future. It came up last year when I was applying for that Truman scholarship as well, realizing that I didn't have much to offer to a public policy perspective. I couldn't quote charity giving by Americans or propose a sound policy idea. And I wonder if other disciplines offer some kind of "training" that leads other people to feel confident doing that.
------
is it a midlife crisis?
or maybe just test anxiety to an extreme.........
or just senior year regrets or 2nd thoughts...........
hmmm
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Absent
Well, to me, at least its been awhile since I've written on this blog....however, 3 days, of course that isn't that long.
Life's been moving a little slower around here.
This past weekend my grandmother died. I haven't had any idea what to say, because, well first, what is there to say? And second, while this is a place for personal thoughts, when I've got my family and others related watching, I feel reluctant to pour out my heart.
She's had alzheimer's most of my teenage-and-plus life, making it difficult to remember the person that she was, or her specific personality. And in someways this lacks the total-life interruption some deaths have brought to our family. But also this was sudden, when my grandfather died 7 years ago, it turned our lives upside down for at least a month. Sometimes, that feels more real.
Because of the crazed snow and ice winter weather hitting Texas this week, we've postponned the funeral--we're heading to Abilene (my parent's hometown) for a visitation and graveside service. It's been at least 2 years since I've been out there, and likely the next few times I go it will be for similar circumstances, funerals. Its a place that reminds me of older people, always associated with grandparents to me. But really, its West Texas in all its glory.
Life's been moving a little slower around here.
This past weekend my grandmother died. I haven't had any idea what to say, because, well first, what is there to say? And second, while this is a place for personal thoughts, when I've got my family and others related watching, I feel reluctant to pour out my heart.
She's had alzheimer's most of my teenage-and-plus life, making it difficult to remember the person that she was, or her specific personality. And in someways this lacks the total-life interruption some deaths have brought to our family. But also this was sudden, when my grandfather died 7 years ago, it turned our lives upside down for at least a month. Sometimes, that feels more real.
Because of the crazed snow and ice winter weather hitting Texas this week, we've postponned the funeral--we're heading to Abilene (my parent's hometown) for a visitation and graveside service. It's been at least 2 years since I've been out there, and likely the next few times I go it will be for similar circumstances, funerals. Its a place that reminds me of older people, always associated with grandparents to me. But really, its West Texas in all its glory.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Work, work, works
Sometimes I just get tired. And then I start to lose my passion for everything.....even those things I am supposedly most passionate about.
Not even a physical tiredness.....more of a soul-tiredness. I guess they'd call that being "weary."
Well I beginning to feel weary. I sometimes feel weary when I lack a lot of social interaction and changing atmosphere as well I notice.
I've been living a routine here. Up every morning about 8:15, make breakfast. Go to the gym, stay about 1.5 hours. Drive back....sit at computer all day long. Work on LSAT stuff for about 2-3 hours. Thesis in front of the fire for 3 or so hours. Making green tea all day life. Break out the wine with the family at 5, still working on the computer. Somtimes some TV at night. Physical therapy determines the rest of the day--funny when those become some of my most-seen people. Some shopping as well, trying to spend off the gift certificates.
Nikki came home yesterday. I was really thankful for the break in the routine. And just her joy for life. I long for having a good group of girls like her to live with.....and just have "girl time" regularly. One of my friends, he would call that an estrogen-fest or something like that. But girls know what i mean....sometimes our apartment dinner can be this way. Being around Catherine and Sara can be that for me too. Our small group. Girls sitting around, laughing......saying the honest things we don't tell anyone else.....not really deep, dark secrets......but more the funny little intricacies of life. It reminds me of my mom and her "quilt cult"--they get together weekly and just enjoy life and one another.
My last Beth Moore tape started with her saying this one was just a "woman thang"--in that Houston accent of hers. There is just sometimes a deep understanding and love amongst women. Of course sometimes we are awful and catty and hateful to one another....but I think that's been one of the redemptive things about becoming more of a "real Christian"--or a 2nd rebirth, whatever you'd call it.....in the past few years, learning to live with and love women.
that entry started about one thing and became about another.....I think in tangents sometimes...but its interesting to see my thoughts flow out onto the page.....its a cleansing process.
Not even a physical tiredness.....more of a soul-tiredness. I guess they'd call that being "weary."
Well I beginning to feel weary. I sometimes feel weary when I lack a lot of social interaction and changing atmosphere as well I notice.
I've been living a routine here. Up every morning about 8:15, make breakfast. Go to the gym, stay about 1.5 hours. Drive back....sit at computer all day long. Work on LSAT stuff for about 2-3 hours. Thesis in front of the fire for 3 or so hours. Making green tea all day life. Break out the wine with the family at 5, still working on the computer. Somtimes some TV at night. Physical therapy determines the rest of the day--funny when those become some of my most-seen people. Some shopping as well, trying to spend off the gift certificates.
Nikki came home yesterday. I was really thankful for the break in the routine. And just her joy for life. I long for having a good group of girls like her to live with.....and just have "girl time" regularly. One of my friends, he would call that an estrogen-fest or something like that. But girls know what i mean....sometimes our apartment dinner can be this way. Being around Catherine and Sara can be that for me too. Our small group. Girls sitting around, laughing......saying the honest things we don't tell anyone else.....not really deep, dark secrets......but more the funny little intricacies of life. It reminds me of my mom and her "quilt cult"--they get together weekly and just enjoy life and one another.
My last Beth Moore tape started with her saying this one was just a "woman thang"--in that Houston accent of hers. There is just sometimes a deep understanding and love amongst women. Of course sometimes we are awful and catty and hateful to one another....but I think that's been one of the redemptive things about becoming more of a "real Christian"--or a 2nd rebirth, whatever you'd call it.....in the past few years, learning to live with and love women.
that entry started about one thing and became about another.....I think in tangents sometimes...but its interesting to see my thoughts flow out onto the page.....its a cleansing process.
Friday, January 12, 2007
OLD-er people
Tonight we had dinner with our neighbors from across the street. Truly wonderful people. I'd say like grandparents--but really, maybe more like aunts and uncles. Come to find out one of them is 70 years old this year!
70, well it sounds old doesn't it? And when I say that, doesn't old sound bad? But really old of course is so incredibly relative--and more based on physical and emotional and mental capabilities--and disabilities than anything else (inherent bias there too).
But I was reminded again how much I value being friends with people, or at least close to people a generation--or even a good 10-years older than me. It reminded me of the long list--I feel compelled to publish this list sometime) of the people who challenged me and changed me this summer. From people only 4 years older...to people newly married in their early 30s to people my parent's age......to be in the more-equal company (differing from the true parent-child relationship) of older people--its a priviledge to be privy to their more private thoughts and wisdom.
To accomplish this goal, I hope to join a church that is either small enough where I can't get away without knowing older people....or forcing myself to spend intentional time with the older women my said-church. I can't wait to learn from older women.
Besides, they're always just so fun. Being in the company of older women always reminds me that my best times are those spent laughing and spending care-free time with groups of good girlfriends and women......yes, some would say estrogen...or just love and mutual understanding.
70, well it sounds old doesn't it? And when I say that, doesn't old sound bad? But really old of course is so incredibly relative--and more based on physical and emotional and mental capabilities--and disabilities than anything else (inherent bias there too).
But I was reminded again how much I value being friends with people, or at least close to people a generation--or even a good 10-years older than me. It reminded me of the long list--I feel compelled to publish this list sometime) of the people who challenged me and changed me this summer. From people only 4 years older...to people newly married in their early 30s to people my parent's age......to be in the more-equal company (differing from the true parent-child relationship) of older people--its a priviledge to be privy to their more private thoughts and wisdom.
To accomplish this goal, I hope to join a church that is either small enough where I can't get away without knowing older people....or forcing myself to spend intentional time with the older women my said-church. I can't wait to learn from older women.
Besides, they're always just so fun. Being in the company of older women always reminds me that my best times are those spent laughing and spending care-free time with groups of good girlfriends and women......yes, some would say estrogen...or just love and mutual understanding.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Where did they go?
Today my senior Bible study experience came to some form of full-circle--my senior in high school Bible study that is.
I was a part of my church's Senior bible study which is a special bible study the senior pastor holds in someone's home for about 20-50 seniors at a time. I went my senior year and felt like for the first time I was able to express some of my opinions about faith....and begin the process of "coming into my own" in terms of faith.
Also accompanying this bible study, I did a weekly group with about 5-6 other senior girls, today I saw one of them for the first time in about 4 years.
I'd contacted her because of facebook--found out she new people I'd studied in Durham this summer. The Lord had been working on her life, first bringing her to faith....and then beginning to give her a heart for urban ministry and caring for the inner-city. It was absolutely amazing to sit there and listen to God's faithfulness......and how it had worked out in her life. And of course, it was great to hear we had some similar passions, given our upbringing and home church.
This was also significant because I don't have many Christian friends at home with which to discuss issues of faith....I can talk issues of social justice to death....but to think of them in terms of God and the holy spirit working out fruits of change in our lives....well it hadn't been a part of my experience until college. It gave me so much hope to find someone here who spoke with that kind of conviction and obvious knowledge and personal experience with the Lord.
It often makes me feel so confident and inspired to see other Christians willing even to speak the name of Christ, or name the Lord....the LORD and to attribute action to him......because duh, he acts! But it takes a lot of courage to actually say that: "God is changing my life" "The Lord is doing a work inside my soul".......these can be very brave things to say.......often people think you're crazy........what kind of person talks about God that way........well someone who knows him and knows that he can do....that he can be the subject of a sentence and the do-er of a verb.
--------
Well then this evening I went with my senior in high school brother to our church's current senior bible study. It was so interesting to see these seniors living out so many of the similar experiences I had at that time......listening to the pastor give out his opinions......not too many people challenging what he says or asking too many questions......how different that seems from college to me sometimes.
I was a part of my church's Senior bible study which is a special bible study the senior pastor holds in someone's home for about 20-50 seniors at a time. I went my senior year and felt like for the first time I was able to express some of my opinions about faith....and begin the process of "coming into my own" in terms of faith.
Also accompanying this bible study, I did a weekly group with about 5-6 other senior girls, today I saw one of them for the first time in about 4 years.
I'd contacted her because of facebook--found out she new people I'd studied in Durham this summer. The Lord had been working on her life, first bringing her to faith....and then beginning to give her a heart for urban ministry and caring for the inner-city. It was absolutely amazing to sit there and listen to God's faithfulness......and how it had worked out in her life. And of course, it was great to hear we had some similar passions, given our upbringing and home church.
This was also significant because I don't have many Christian friends at home with which to discuss issues of faith....I can talk issues of social justice to death....but to think of them in terms of God and the holy spirit working out fruits of change in our lives....well it hadn't been a part of my experience until college. It gave me so much hope to find someone here who spoke with that kind of conviction and obvious knowledge and personal experience with the Lord.
It often makes me feel so confident and inspired to see other Christians willing even to speak the name of Christ, or name the Lord....the LORD and to attribute action to him......because duh, he acts! But it takes a lot of courage to actually say that: "God is changing my life" "The Lord is doing a work inside my soul".......these can be very brave things to say.......often people think you're crazy........what kind of person talks about God that way........well someone who knows him and knows that he can do....that he can be the subject of a sentence and the do-er of a verb.
--------
Well then this evening I went with my senior in high school brother to our church's current senior bible study. It was so interesting to see these seniors living out so many of the similar experiences I had at that time......listening to the pastor give out his opinions......not too many people challenging what he says or asking too many questions......how different that seems from college to me sometimes.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Muddling with Western Medicine
So for all of you who have seen me hobble around tiny-Tim style this semester.....taken me to get MRIs, X-rays (thank you janelle), or given me ice-packs or ankle braces......I think I have finally figured out the source of my pain.
As originially suspected, I do in fact have anterior compartment syndrome....often only found in cross country runners, I had a very successful trip to the physical therapist today which showed this. (basically my calf muscle was tight....caused the front shin to be tightened as well, pulls up the bottom of my foot and makes walking hurt....and in turn, all of it more tight and painful).
But why does having an "answer" signal completion to me? I just now have some actual stretches to do....and some more physical therapy before this all gets settled out. It is not complete at all.....I just now have some language to use.
Is it because of human nature's need for some sort of clarity....or is even that itself a western concept, looking for an "answer" or "diagnosis" that makes medicine into a I have a problem...you have an answer....boom, fixed! kind of mentality?
I have a lot of friends who think "alternatively" about medicine.....well as Donna Haraway would say.....or would that be some other crazed technocrat....?.......well to look at medicine outside of the scientific model or to get out mindset into thinking of medicine as just as faliable or potentially uncertain as any other "soft science" or thing in life.
I think before this time, I've felt like no one really understood me or was really listening to what was going on.....so maybe in that way this also touches on patient-doctor interactions....Well regardless.......I think there's an end to all this madness.
As originially suspected, I do in fact have anterior compartment syndrome....often only found in cross country runners, I had a very successful trip to the physical therapist today which showed this. (basically my calf muscle was tight....caused the front shin to be tightened as well, pulls up the bottom of my foot and makes walking hurt....and in turn, all of it more tight and painful).
But why does having an "answer" signal completion to me? I just now have some actual stretches to do....and some more physical therapy before this all gets settled out. It is not complete at all.....I just now have some language to use.
Is it because of human nature's need for some sort of clarity....or is even that itself a western concept, looking for an "answer" or "diagnosis" that makes medicine into a I have a problem...you have an answer....boom, fixed! kind of mentality?
I have a lot of friends who think "alternatively" about medicine.....well as Donna Haraway would say.....or would that be some other crazed technocrat....?.......well to look at medicine outside of the scientific model or to get out mindset into thinking of medicine as just as faliable or potentially uncertain as any other "soft science" or thing in life.
I think before this time, I've felt like no one really understood me or was really listening to what was going on.....so maybe in that way this also touches on patient-doctor interactions....Well regardless.......I think there's an end to all this madness.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Personal Life Published
So when I was at urbana....probably during a time when I was intentionally seeking out some quiet, alone time.......I got cornered by IV news/press something I don't know. Regardless, as a random sampling, somehow I got chosen to be interviewed about my experiences at Urbana.
I thought it'd be a single quote......nope a whole little article.
http://www.intervarsity.org/news/hearing-the-still-small-voice-of-god-at-urbana
I thought it'd be a single quote......nope a whole little article.
http://www.intervarsity.org/news/hearing-the-still-small-voice-of-god-at-urbana
Book: God in the Flesh
This book was a Christmas present. If I didn't know better, I'd take it as an insult....however, those who love you must discipline you as well. (the book addresses this issue as well, funny enough)
This book, again, as many other pieces of Christian literature, considers the character and personhood of Jesus as central. Until Jesus becomes the center of our thoughts and actions....we're missing the mark. Well aren't we always missing the mark......
But looking at Jesus and how he's represented in scripture, the author talks about the "black letters"--how people respond to Jesus and what he does. Its a very interesting look at the Bible.
Some examples....(common reactions and representations of Jesus):
~~"They were caught in amazement"....in the complete otherness of Christ
~~"They worshiped him"....the question, is it the real Yahweh inside of us?
~~"He spoke we authority," they became silent
~"They fell down before him"
~~Jesus's compassion: gentle, humble, weeping
~~They brought the sick to him
~~They left their nets and followed him
This book, again, as many other pieces of Christian literature, considers the character and personhood of Jesus as central. Until Jesus becomes the center of our thoughts and actions....we're missing the mark. Well aren't we always missing the mark......
But looking at Jesus and how he's represented in scripture, the author talks about the "black letters"--how people respond to Jesus and what he does. Its a very interesting look at the Bible.
Some examples....(common reactions and representations of Jesus):
~~"They were caught in amazement"....in the complete otherness of Christ
~~"They worshiped him"....the question, is it the real Yahweh inside of us?
~~"He spoke we authority," they became silent
~"They fell down before him"
~~Jesus's compassion: gentle, humble, weeping
~~They brought the sick to him
~~They left their nets and followed him
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